Tuesday 22 September 2009

Todays Story

Here is a story I was sent a while back, thanks to Bill:

The Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi lad play Football and is so impressed he arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"
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Thursday 17 September 2009

Sunday 13 September 2009

JIMMY & HIS NUT & BOLT

Here is another story sent to me by Tim - JIMMY & HIS NUT & BOLT

Young Jimmy was not a happy chappy. He had a nut & bolt where his belly button should be. He often arrived home in tears.
"What is the matter" asked mummy
"I want a belly button like all my friends, but I have a nut & bolt" Jimmy would reply.

One day, Jimmy was walking home from school in tears, when he passed the wise old lady of the village standing at her gate.
"Why are you crying young man" asked the lady
"I want a belly button like all my friends, but I have a nut & bolt" Jimmy replied.
The wise old lady said "Tonight there is a full moon. Sleep on your back with the cutains open so that the moon can shine down on your nut & bolt. Tomorrow you will have a belly button".

That night, Jimmy did as the old lady said, and fell asleep. The moonbeam shone down on his nut & bolt, and an elf came down the moonbeam carrying a broken bicycle. He lay the bicycle down gently, removed the nut & bolt from Jimmy, repaired his bicycle, and rode off back up the moonbeam.

In the morning, Jimmy awoke. He looked down, and sure enough, the nut & bolt had gone, he had a belly button. He shouted for joy, swung out of bed, and his legs fell off.

RealTimbone on Twitter
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Saturday 12 September 2009

A True Story | Neil armstrong | Mr Gorsky

Another joke sent to me today by email is claimed to be A True Story

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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Upon researching the background to this True Story it is evident that it is in fact a myth, with no actual basis in fact. It seems to have originated on the internet as far back as 1995. Neil Armstrong said he first heard the anecdote delivered as a joke in 1995 by a comedian named Buddy Hackett.
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Friday 11 September 2009

Today's Joke | Another Blonde Joke

A blonde was shopping at Tesco and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the checkout to ask what it was.

The checkout assistant said, "Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing, I'm going to buy It!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk,
"What's that?" he asked,
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied.
Her boss then inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied.'Two ice lollies and some coffee.'
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Thursday 10 September 2009

Today's Joke | Duck Bread

Many thanks to Timm bone for Today's joke.

Duck waddled into a bar, asked barman "Have you got any bread?"
"We don't do bread" the barman replied.
Next day, in waddles duck again, "Have you got any bread?"
"I told you we don't do bread" said barman, "and if you ask me again I will nail your beak to the bar!"
Next day, Duck waddles in, "Have you got any nails?"
"WE DON'T DO NAILS" barman shouted.
"Have you got any bread then?"
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Sunday 6 September 2009

Man Fires Cannon Hits Neighbours House.

Here for a change is a true story, this is about the man who fires a cannon and hits neighbours house.

It has been reported that 54 year old William Maser, of Georges Township, Pennsylvania, accidently fired a two-pound cannonball outside his home that then ricocheted and hit a house 400 yards (365 meters) away. The cannonball, of about two inches in diameter, smashed through a window and a wall before landing in his neighbour's closet. Amazingly according to the local authorities, no one was hurt.

Mr Maser, a history buff who recreates firearms from old wars was charged by the state police with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. He told WPXI-TV that recreating 19th century cannon is a longtime hobby. He also added that he was sorry about the damage and would stop shooting them on his property.

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