Sues Cabin

Todays Joke | The Old Sailor

2011-03-27T19:36:00.004+01:00

Here is another one of unkown origin, sent to me via email, todays joke.

The Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots ? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."

*****

Todays joke | Preventing a suicide

2011-03-23T20:28:00.000Z

Hi folks, it's been a while I know, but here is todays joke:

Preventing a suicide

A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off Sydney Harbour bridge - so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Farting Excercise

2011-02-09T18:39:00.000Z

American Idol Fart

2011-02-06T18:43:00.001Z

Super Granny gives lesson on how to respect your elders

2011-02-05T20:18:00.000Z

Tommy Cooper Jokes | One liners

2011-01-29T16:10:00.000Z

Remember the late great Tommy Cooper, I have come across a selection of his famous jokes or one liners. Still funny after all these years.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn't find any.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, when I woke up the pillow was gone.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night, woke up this morning in the fireplace.

I Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are.

Today's Joke | Any One For Golf

2010-07-27T20:48:00.000+01:00

Here is another little gem that was sent to me by email - Today's joke, Anyone For Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

More One Liners | Jokes

2010-05-31T19:25:00.001+01:00

I've been looking at some Corduroy pillows apparently they are making headlines!

Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?

My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!

I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!

Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

Irish Coffee | Today's joke

2010-04-26T10:39:00.000+01:00

Here is another of the email jokes that frequently land in my mail box - Irish Coffee. (origin unknown)

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

' What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Hearing Aids | Be careful what you say

2010-04-25T20:37:00.001+01:00

My elderly neighbour has had a very profound hearing problem for as long as I've known him.

The other day he was telling me about how he had plucked up the courage to ask the doctor if there was anything that could be done to help him with this debilitating hearing problem. The doctor was able to advise him that modern digital hearing aids were very efficient and discreet, maybe a little expensive but well worth considering. The doctor referred my neighbour to a hearing specialist confident that a solution to his hearing deficiency would be found.

He then proceeded to show me the new hearing aids he was wearing and how inconspicuous they were, they were indeed difficult to see at all.

"My hearing is now perfect" he said.

"That is marvelous" I replied "I am so pleased for you."

"Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again too."

My neighbour now chortled to himself as he said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Olympic Condoms

2010-04-23T19:16:00.001+01:00

Today's joke is another joke email i received a while back, thought I'd give it an airing.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really,…. why don't you wear Silver?

It would be nice if you came second for a change."

***************

Speeding ticket and the wife!

2010-04-21T08:33:00.001+01:00

Here is today's joke, I don't know where it originates from, it was doing the rounds by email.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Viagra

2010-04-18T19:37:00.001+01:00

I have heard recently that Viagra is now available in powder form for use in your tea.

It does'nt improve your sexual performance,

but it does stop your biscuit from going soft!

Send in the Hobnobs !!!

The Harry Potter Black Cab Tour for Two

2010-04-17T11:52:00.000+01:00

This is a brilliant Virgin Experience day and one I would recommend to any Harry Potter fan. The Harry Potter Black Cab Tour for Two.

The following is quoted from the Virgin Experience website.
The magical movies of Harry Potter are full of legends and myths and this London black cab tour will take you to all the exciting film locations used in the heart of the city centre! Don’t forget your camera on this spell binding experience!

Harry Potter Black Cab Tour for Two:
What's included:
* Pick up and drop off from a central London hotel
* A two hour taxi tour of the famous Harry Potter landmarks
* A professional London taxi guide to explain the route and the magic behind the films
* Photo opportunities throughout the tour
* Experience gift pack including smart wallet, personalised voucher and message card
* PA cover to a value of £50,000 plus cancellation indemnity

What happens on the day:
Your guide will pick you up from a central London hotel in a traditional black cab to begin your magical tour. You will meander the streets of London and stop for a photo opportunity at the famous Platform 9¾ where Harry and his gang cross through to Hogwarts Express. Visit the ‘Leaky Cauldron' and walk in the footsteps of Harry and Hagrid in the Victorian Leadenhall Market which was famously known as Diagon Alley! Next it’s on to Gringotts Wizarding Bank which was set in Australia House near Covent Garden. You will follow the route of the ‘Knight Bus’ around the little cobbled streets and finish off at Brockdale Bridge seen in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Your guide will be on hand throughout your experience to discuss how the films were made, the excitement of the books and get trivia about the magical world of J.K.Rowling’s famous boy wizard. Along the way you’ll have the chance to get out of the cab, take pictures and see the locations up close.

Need to know:
* Minimum age: 4 (under 16’s need to be accompanied by an adult)
* Tours are available on a daily basis subject to availability
* Tours last approximately 2 hours
* Disabled facilities are limited as not all taxis have wheelchair access. Please call the supplier for more details when booking
* We recommend you wear comfortable clothing

This is an unforgettable experience and if you are a fan of the ever popular Harry Potter books and films an outing you will truly treasure.

You can find details of this Virgin Experience and many other great Experience days and events using this link >> Virgin Experience Days

Anyone for Golf

2010-04-16T10:11:00.006+01:00

Here is a little story I was sent in an email. I personally do not play golf, but perhaps this is why so many men walk endlessly around a golf course seeking something they never seem to find.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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Benefits Agency | England Land of Hope and Glory

2010-04-15T20:50:00.000+01:00

Not sure where this originated, I wonder which party will adopt it for their manifesto.

Dancing

2010-04-15T20:42:00.002+01:00

TopcashBack | Cashback Shopping

2010-04-10T10:34:00.005+01:00

This is the Topcashback site I told you about. I have signed up to a few cashback sites over the year but this is truly the best.

You get 100% of the cashback that they earn from the retailers, never charging you a penny. No catch, no gimmicks, totally legal and they do not pass your details onto anyone else.

Is is absolutely FREE to join and what's more, if you join before midnight on the 11th April using my referral link below (I know it's short notice) you will get £1.50 put into your account as a thankyou for joining.

Go on you have nothing to loose Go to TopcashBack Now

_______________________________________________________________________

TopCashBack | How does it work

2010-04-06T16:42:00.002+01:00

For those of you who are resident in the UK, I want to tell you about Topcashback. It is a brilliant way of earning some spare money. What's more you earn money for purchasing the goods or services you would normally buy online anyway. It is quite honestly a no loose situation.

Just as a supermarket allows its customers to earn loyalty points on their shopping –TopCashBack allows members to earn extra free cash on all of their internet shopping, but with virtually any major (and not so major) brand, Boots, Dell, Currys, Tesco, Prudential, LloydsTSB and well over 1000 other online stores.

The whole process of earning cashback is very, very simple. In order to join TopCashBack, simply register with an email address and a password; it only takes seconds and is completely free. Having done so, simply click through to any of our listed retailers and proceed to shop online exactly as normal.

All of the commission from your purchase will then show up in your TopCashBack account, usually within a day or so. Once your cashback has been paid by the retailer we will send it on to you – either straight to your bank account, or by cheque or using Paypal – whichever you prefer.

Go to TopcashBack Now

Get rid of Twitterers that I follow | Twitter

2010-01-18T16:56:00.000Z

Some time back I starting using one of those auto-following services offered by SocialOomph because like many new Twitterers, I thought anyone who followed me was worth following back. Wrong, as I and maybe you yourself discovered your tweet stream fills with marketers and dubious "experts" promoting themselves, their products, and their services. Not to mention all the p**n stars. The inescapable down side of Twitter.

The most undesirable aspect of this I feel is that you are actually following these people. This of course will be a reflection on your own integrity because by following them you advertise to the world that you approve of them.

I have decided therefore that I will no longer use any of these services. Hence forth I will only follow those who I make a decision to follow because I want to. People who I find interesting, who are willing to take part in a discussion rather than a one way diatribe.

I will now also start to go through the stream of people who I currently follow and ditch those that I do not want to be associated with. Conducting a quick search using Google showed me that there is a whole raft of services and programmes that you can subscribe to or purchase to clean up your followers for you. Am I going to use one, am I now going to tell you the one I have found that you simply can not do without? Absolutely not. I am going to do it the long way, the manual way, the way that will involve more time but hopefully at the end of the process will produce a list of people that I want to follow, that will have been my decision and will not have involved me passing on my password to anyone.

Today's Jokes | One Liners

2009-12-30T14:03:00.002Z

Well folks I thought it about time we had another selection of short gags, so here are Today's Jokes and One Liners.

My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.

If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.

Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.

I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

*********************

Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.

I Belong to Glasgow

2009-12-09T20:37:00.000Z

Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

Search for a Sat Nav continued

2009-11-23T20:10:00.000Z

Well I have been looking around on the internet at options for a Sat Nav and have a slightly better understanding (I think) of what I want (See my last post Search for a Sat nav). There seems to be some good deals at argos, most of the units have money off at the moment. At one point I thought I had narrowed the choice down, until that is I started looking at customer reviews. That merely succeeded in throwing me into total confusion again.

One Sat Nav model that I was considering appears to have issues with the software and with boot up time, the time it takes to aquire a GPS signal. I must confess that I had not even considered things like that at all. I guess these are some of the points I need to be aware of.

I will study this Sat Nav business some more, try to learn more about what issues need to be taken into consideration, then report back.

Watch for my next post on the Sat Nav

Search for a Sat Nav

2009-11-21T13:06:00.005Z

Yes folks I am currently engaged in a Search for a Sat Nav, but which one and where from, I have no idea.

Having witnessed their use and then experienced several recent incidents of getting hopelessly confused at large junctions and roundabouts while attempting to follow instructions taken from a map, I have decided the time to get a Sat Nav for myself, is here.

But here-in lies the quandary. Having taken a quick scan at what is on offer, I am totally bemused. There are so many to choose from and the prices vary enormously. If I buy a cheap model will I find that it sends me the wrong way up a one way street or invites me to turn into a canal? If I buy a more expensive one, will I be paying for features that I do not want?

What I do know is that I want a straightforward Sat Nav that will give me directions and inform me in plain easy to understand language what roads to follow and where I need to turn. What I do not want is anything to make life more complicated or that will involve wading through a giant manual full of instructions before I can even determine how to switch it on. I do not want fancy gimmicks or advanced features, or one that will play MP3's, sing songs or dance a jig. I also do not want to buy a Sat Nav then find that in a few months time I need to download the latest update to it's software (at a price) in order for it to continue to do it's job.

So there in a nut shell is what I am after, please leave a comment if you can help in any way towards my search for a Sat Nav.

Funny Short Stories | Gotta Love the Old folks

2009-10-29T13:51:00.007Z

Here is another of the funny short stories that make me laugh. I do not know the originator of this latest funny short story, it was forwarded to me by email. It guess it's one of the many that do the rounds. Hope you like it.

Gotta Love the Old folks - funny short story

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

More funny short stories coming soon.
..

England The Welfare State

2009-10-06T07:35:00.001+01:00

Here is an advertisement I received by email, unfortunately I do not qualify.

Todays Story

2009-09-22T19:47:00.002+01:00

Here is a story I was sent a while back, thanks to Bill:

The Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi lad play Football and is so impressed he arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"
..

Yoga

2009-09-17T19:01:00.003+01:00

Yoga from India

Yoga from Australia

JIMMY & HIS NUT & BOLT

2009-09-13T20:04:00.001+01:00

Here is another story sent to me by Tim - JIMMY & HIS NUT & BOLT

Young Jimmy was not a happy chappy. He had a nut & bolt where his belly button should be. He often arrived home in tears.
"What is the matter" asked mummy
"I want a belly button like all my friends, but I have a nut & bolt" Jimmy would reply.

One day, Jimmy was walking home from school in tears, when he passed the wise old lady of the village standing at her gate.
"Why are you crying young man" asked the lady
"I want a belly button like all my friends, but I have a nut & bolt" Jimmy replied.
The wise old lady said "Tonight there is a full moon. Sleep on your back with the cutains open so that the moon can shine down on your nut & bolt. Tomorrow you will have a belly button".

That night, Jimmy did as the old lady said, and fell asleep. The moonbeam shone down on his nut & bolt, and an elf came down the moonbeam carrying a broken bicycle. He lay the bicycle down gently, removed the nut & bolt from Jimmy, repaired his bicycle, and rode off back up the moonbeam.

In the morning, Jimmy awoke. He looked down, and sure enough, the nut & bolt had gone, he had a belly button. He shouted for joy, swung out of bed, and his legs fell off.

RealTimbone on Twitter
..

A True Story | Neil armstrong | Mr Gorsky

2009-09-12T15:52:00.006+01:00

Another joke sent to me today by email is claimed to be A True Story

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

*************************

Upon researching the background to this True Story it is evident that it is in fact a myth, with no actual basis in fact. It seems to have originated on the internet as far back as 1995. Neil Armstrong said he first heard the anecdote delivered as a joke in 1995 by a comedian named Buddy Hackett.
..

Today's Joke | Another Blonde Joke

2009-09-11T19:47:00.001+01:00

A blonde was shopping at Tesco and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the checkout to ask what it was.

The checkout assistant said, "Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing, I'm going to buy It!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk,
"What's that?" he asked,
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied.
Her boss then inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied.'Two ice lollies and some coffee.'
..

Today's Joke | Duck Bread

2009-09-10T20:16:00.002+01:00

Many thanks to Timm bone for Today's joke.

Duck waddled into a bar, asked barman "Have you got any bread?"
"We don't do bread" the barman replied.
Next day, in waddles duck again, "Have you got any bread?"
"I told you we don't do bread" said barman, "and if you ask me again I will nail your beak to the bar!"
Next day, Duck waddles in, "Have you got any nails?"
"WE DON'T DO NAILS" barman shouted.
"Have you got any bread then?"
..

Man Fires Cannon Hits Neighbours House.

2009-09-06T19:19:00.002+01:00

Here for a change is a true story, this is about the man who fires a cannon and hits neighbours house.

It has been reported that 54 year old William Maser, of Georges Township, Pennsylvania, accidently fired a two-pound cannonball outside his home that then ricocheted and hit a house 400 yards (365 meters) away. The cannonball, of about two inches in diameter, smashed through a window and a wall before landing in his neighbour's closet. Amazingly according to the local authorities, no one was hurt.

Mr Maser, a history buff who recreates firearms from old wars was charged by the state police with reckless endangerment, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. He told WPXI-TV that recreating 19th century cannon is a longtime hobby. He also added that he was sorry about the damage and would stop shooting them on his property.

Life With Woodpecker: A British Garden | Butterflies

2009-08-28T13:59:00.000+01:00

Life With Woodpecker: A British Garden | Butterflies

Take a look at these beautiful Butterfly pictures, so colourful and so lovely in their natural surroundings, including one that can read.

The Village Hardware shop

2009-08-27T20:26:00.005+01:00

Tony was re-hanging a door after decorating when he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Alice to get one from the local village hardware shop.

While waiting for Roy the manager of the shop to finish serving a customer, Alice saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf.

"How much for the teapot?" she asked Roy when he had finished serving,

"That's a very rare, old Doulton Teapot, and it is priced at £250"

"Oh dear. that is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed, then proceeded to describe the hinge that Tony had sent her to buy. Roy went into the back to find a hinge that would be suitable.

From the back room Roy shouted, "Alice, do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Alice replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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Blonde Jokes | Blond Joke

2009-08-26T20:26:00.003+01:00

Here is another joke emailed to me recently with the title Maybe the Best Blond Joke Ever! From the title it can be concluded I think that this joke originated in the US because our spelling of the hair colour has an "e" on the end - blonde - if I am correct.

I will apologise in advance to any blond or blonde ladies out there who are sick and tired of these dumb blonde jokes. I guess some section of society has to bear the brunt, seeing as most minority groups are off limits in the interests of political correctness.

Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

More soon
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Lovers Lane

2009-08-25T10:10:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Bill in OZ for sending me this one.

A policeman was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ."Uh, yes, officer?"
The policeman says: "What are you doing? "
The young man says,: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman says:,
"And what is she doing?"

"The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a jumper."

Now, the policeman is totally confused. A young couple, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening!

The officer asks:, "How old are you, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

"And her .... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes."
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Biddulph Grange Garden | National Trust

2009-08-14T00:07:00.003+01:00

A delightful Victorian garden surviving from the 19th century is Biddulph Grange Garden. Here amidst this National Trust property you will find tunnels and pathways leading the visitor on a minature tour of the world.

We did find that there are an enormous amount of steps to be negotiated and is not suitable for people in wheel chairs. It can also prove difficult for anyone who finds the need to go up and down numerous steps a challenge or causes them discomfort.

Planting of rare and exotic species of plants collected from around the world lead you into areas of the garden planted to simulate an Egyptian court and an elegant Italian Terrace.

Enclosed within it's own Great Wall of China is a unique Chinese garden complete with temple. Chinese style buildings of wood surround a small lake containing colourful fish, you can walk the perimeter by stepping over wooden bridges and decked pathways. The path also leads you through the wooden temple.

The gradens were originally designed in the mid 19th century by James Bateman to display specimens from his extensive and wide-ranging plant collection, obtained by his botanists from around the world. The garden is set out in a series of connected 'compartments' where visitors are taken on a sensory journey of discovery through tunnels and pathways to individual gardens inspired by countries around the world.

Contact Details for the National Trust Biddulph Grange Garden

Biddulph Grange Garden

Grange Road, Biddulph, Staffordshire ST8 7SD
Telephone: 01782 517999

Mime Artist

2009-08-11T04:28:00.002+01:00

I saw a mime artist being arrested in the centre of town yesterday. The policeman began by saying,

"You have the right to remain silent."

Jokes latest

2009-08-07T20:49:00.002+01:00

The man who ran over my cat said he'd like to replace it. "I hope you're good at catching mice" I replied.

I visited a lighthouse the other day and was told to sit in the corner.

I went to the doctors because I had insomnia. He told me to lie on the edge of the bed then I'd soon drop off.

Are baked be-ings a Lions favourite food?

The Daddy Lion told his cubs to wait until they saw the Zebra crossing.

What's striped, dangerous and lives in the jungle? A tiger on a pogo stick.

My cat ate a ball of wool. Soon after she had mittens.

I think my cat's been eating ducklings again. She's got that down in the mouth look.
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Short jokes | One Liners

2009-08-07T20:47:00.000+01:00

Here are a few of my favourite Short jokes and One Liners. A selection demonstrating my simple inoffensive sense of humour. Hope you enjoy.

You can find them here >> Short jokes and One Liners
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De-Clutter Your Wardrobe

2009-07-27T10:57:00.002+01:00

An important aspect of the downsizing or de-cluttering process is to De-Clutter Your Wardrobe.

We all seem to do it, we all fall into the habit of clinging onto things that may have become completely useless for us. A look through your wardrobe and you are sure to find that you are holding on to things that are far too old, to dated and out of fashion.

Clothes which you haven’t even touched in many years, never mind wearing them, are still hanging there. Well now that you have made a conscious decision to de-clutter, it's time to make some space in that wardrobe. It is time to rid yourself of all the stuff that you don’t really need.

You look through tops, skirts, pants and find it difficult to decide what to discard and what to keep, well ask yourself a simple question, "When did you last wear that item and what are the chances that you may never wear it again?"

Clothes for special occasions that are worn infrequently are a different matter and of course these you will keep. Some classic styles are timeless and are beyond fashion. Maybe there have not been many special occasions lately where you could wear them, but you never know when such an occasion may come up suddenly. So give such special clothes their designated space in the wardrobe.

If you are ruthless, you will see free space again in that freshly de-cluttered wardrobe.

Declutter Your House With These Simple Tips

2009-07-16T10:17:00.003+01:00

Here is another useful article I found relating to decluttering your house, getting rid of all that stuff you accumulate over the years. Learn more about how to Declutter Your House With These Simple Tips

Decluttering a whole house can seem overwhelming. BUT if it's broken down into bite size chunks, it doesn't seem so bad. These tips helped me declutter my house. Hopefully you'll find them just as useful.

#1. Start with decluttering for 15 minutes a day. It's enough time to achieve something. It's short enough that we can all fit it into our busy schedules. If you do this one thing, it becomes a good habit. It will also ensure you keep your home clutter free in the future.

#2. Pick one room for your 15 minutes a day sessions and stick to it until it's decluttered. It doesn't really matter which room you start with.

#3. Declutter storage space first. Once you get control of drawers, cabinets and closets it will be so much easier to find a home for everything.

#4. Be ruthless in deciding what to keep and let go. You can't succeed at decluttering unless your willing to let stuff go.

#5. Make it easy to get rid of stuff. Designate space for items you want to sell, donate to charity, give away, send for recycle or bin.

#6. Deal with paper. Little and often works best. Paper causes a lot of clutter. Bills, invoices, receipts... it's so easy to get out of control. Get a simple system going for incoming mail. You'll need a bin and a 2 tier tray. One tray for items that need to be actioned, the other for documents that need to be filed. Set up a filing system. Use a diary for scheduling actions, like paying bills.

#7. As soon as you bring something new into the house, set aside storage space for it. Always keep it in it's place when not in use.

Click here for more ideas on how to declutter your home fast. I followed the advice on how to declutter my house and you can too. Why don't you give it a try?

Discover the best home organization solutions

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Penny_Scott
http://EzineArticles.com/?How-I-Learned-to-Declutter-My-House-With-These-Simple-Tips&id=1334195

Declutter My House | Paper

2009-07-15T15:08:00.002+01:00

To follow on from my last post comcerning decluttering my home, I thought you might be interested in this article I came across on the world wide internet web thingy.

How To Declutter Paper In Your Home And Office Forever. I offer nine tips on how to organize your mail, files and all the other papers that seem to make it into our homes and offices.
so I thought, lets take a look:

Learn How to Declutter Paper in Your Home and Office
By Marilyn Bohn

I remember when computers were becoming really popular and we all thought they would take care of our paper work pile ups. A man working next to me said he thought they would create more paperwork nightmares. From my observations this has become true.

I have 9 tips on how to declutter paper in our homes and offices:

1. Create a filing system that works for you. I use Freedom Filer that is based on placing everything in color coded categories. The first step is to gather up all your lose papers. Sort through every piece even though you might think you know what is in that stack-a bond or some other important piece of paper could be hiding.

2.Create a system to handle your mail by finding a home for your mail. This could be a basket, bowl, shoe box etc. someplace that you always place your mail so you know where it is and where to go when your ready to sort through it.

3. Do you wonder how long to keep papers? Utility bills only keep one month until you get your next bill and verify you have received credit for payment. If you can prove two different ways that you have paid the bill you don't have to keep it past one month. The exception to this is if you want to compare last year's bill to the current year. After you have done this, recycle, shred or trash them.

Anything that has to do with taxes put with the tax papers, don't keep in separate folders.

Keep your will, birth and death certificates, marriage licenses, adoption papers, military records, citizenship papers, power of attorney and copies of your 401D accounts along with the names of your beneficiaries, property titles, deeds and mortgages forever-to name a few.

Go to IRS.gov for information related to how long to keep tax records. They are usually to be kept for at least 7 years.

4. Use your computer for filing instead of printing off everything you receive. Keep the information in a folder on your computer. If you need to print it out you can do so if and when the need arises.

5. Pay your bills on line. Sign up for electronic bill pay and notify the company to send your bills via the internet.

6. Get your name off junk mail lists. Go to Google and search junk mail for several places you can sign up to get off lists. This will really help you organize clutter as you'll have a lot less junk mail to organize.

7. Handle each piece of paper only once. Make a decision at the time you first pick up the paper and act on that decision.

8. Declutter paperwork by canceling magazine and newspaper subscriptions you don't read. How to declutter magazines that are stacking up around your home is to go through them every three months and recycle them even if you haven't read them, you can always find the information online.

9. Keep your inbox under control. Don't let it overflow with papers that need filing. File on a regular basis so paper work doesn't take over your life.

By taking care of paper that comes into your home a little at a time can free you up to do what you want to do and will help you declutter your home and life before it becomes a burden to you.

Marilyn is a professional organizer and invites you to visit her website http://www.marilynbohn.com, She is a sought after public speaker and author who is passionate about teaching ways to organize your life and how to reduce clutter. She works with women in their homes and offices. On her web site she teaches you to get rid of clutter by using her Lights On Organizing System. She provides practical information on how to declutter your home, office and life. In her blogs, articles, and videos she gives timely tips on how to clear clutter and how to declutter everything in your home and office. She is the author of a book called Go Organize! Conquer clutter in three simple steps which will be in major bookstores in December 2009.

Marilyn is a creative organizer who has been organizing for over 20 years. She is a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers and is working towards becoming a Certified Professional Organizer. Professionally she has been organizing homes and offices for two years. She holds a bachelors degree in Social Work. She has reared five daughters and currently lives in Utah.

Go to her website http://www.marilynbohn.com where you can find free organizing tips and interesting blogs and helpful articles on organizing.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marilyn_Bohn
http://EzineArticles.com/?Learn-How-to-Declutter-Paper-in-Your-Home-and-Office&id=2510754

More jokes

2009-07-14T16:39:00.004+01:00

Are baked be-ings a Lions favourite food?

The Daddy Lion told his cubs to wait until they saw the Zebra crossing.

What's striped, dangerous and lives in the jungle? A tiger on a pogo stick.

My cat ate a ball of wool. Soon after she had mittens.

I think my cat's been eating ducklings again. She's got that down in the mouth look.

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My Latest Twitter Jokes

2009-07-13T19:54:00.004+01:00

When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.

What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)

My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"

Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.

2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"

Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.

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Declutter My House

2009-07-13T00:29:00.004+01:00

Well I have actually started the process, I have taken the first steps to Declutter my House. That is to identify those items of no use to us, all manner of things that have been kept for many years and never or at least very little, used. What is the point of keeping these things, hidden away gathering dust.

I have also begun the process of sorting out my wardrobes, some of the clothes I will never wear again (and since loosing weight there are some that I am determined never to wear again) have already gone to the charity shop. Some one will make good use of them, all are perfect and if it helps out others that is surely a bonus.

Hubby started on the garage, and I am glad to report that it is now possible to enter beyond the doorway. Up to yet accumulated rubbish has been taken to the local tip but now he is busy identifying things that will be saleable on Ebay. What he will find in there I do not know, the rear wall has not been seen for many years. Good luck to him.

I also have plenty of items that are ready to go on to Ebay. I need to take some pics and start to write some listings. I have made a tentative start tonight with a small book, James Herriots Cat stories, a delightful little book, purrr...fect for any cat lover and containing some lovely illustrations too. I'm not sure how well books will sell online, the problem being that because of the size and weight of books, the postage costs are high in relation to the value of the item.

This Link will take you to the book > James Herriots Cat Stories

This link will take you to all my Current Ebay listings

You can also find me on Twitter >> Sues_Cabin on Twitter

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How to Downsize Your Home

2009-07-12T23:30:00.004+01:00

We have decided that we need to move to a smaller place. How to Downsize Your Home has become the utmost in our minds because over time we tend to accumulate lots of stuff. We have drawers full of stuff, all manner of things stored in the loft and it's quite a few years since the car fit into the garage. Yes there is too much stuff in there too.

I suppose over the years I have been a bit of a collector, nothing specific, but I have had my fads of collecting books, ceramics, things that I would surely use at some time and some things that I would never use and were simply too good to throw away. We all do it, I know that I am not alone.

How many of you have an exercise bike, or a tread mill, step box, one of those metal curved things , or one of those big balls all for that keep fit programme we were determined to stick to "this time" but we never did. I won't even mention the fitness videos. But how do you begin that process of de-clutter? Lets take a look at how to downsize your home.

Deciding what you really need requires a good long look at how you live your life daily and prioritizing the activities and items that are already a part of your actual lifestyle. forget about those things that you always wanted to do but never got around to doing.

Take a good hard look through your home and evaluate everything you own. With each item ask yourself if you have used it in the past year and, if you have, how often? Be honest with yourself.

One of the great ways of assessing your need for something that seems really difficult to part with, is to store it for say 6 months. After this period if you have found no need for it then sell it, dump it, or give it away.

Downsizing invariably means that your favourite furniture will not fit into your new home. I have know people who were loathe to part with furniture for which they had a special attachment and they begin life in their new home by trying to make it fit in. It never works and simply causes stress and heartache, it's better simply not to take it.

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Knowsley Safari Park

2009-06-15T09:23:00.005+01:00

We had a wonderful Saturday at Knowsley Safari Park, and the kids thought it was great too. There was simply so much to do and so much to see, the only downside being that the time seemed to go so quickly.

The park opens at 10.00 am and we were there at around 15 minutes past. Knowsley is easy to find and well signposted when you are on the approach to it. Leave the M62 at junction six then leave the M57 at junction two and follow the brown Safari Park signs.

Knowsley safari Park boasts a five mile safari drive with a route lined with animals from all over the world. We saw deer first on our drive and it was great to see these cuties at such close quarters. It is not just the exotic species that it is good getting up close to.

There is no denying though that being in amongst the Tigers and Lions is just amazing. The Tigers on our day were staying away from the traffic but the lions were right there strolling casually around the cars. It was incredible. I have been to safari parks before but I still get excited as if it were my first time.

As we continued the drive, we reached the point where we had to make a decision. To drive through the baboon enclosure or to take the car friendly route. I have seen these animals ripping peoples cars to shreds before, so the car friendly route was taken. The baboons are always good to watch, especially when they are climbing over everyone else’s car. They are forever chasing each other and appear to be having fun, but what appears like play can be deadly serious. They have a very strict hierarchy which must be observed. Any stepping out of line will be dealt with severely.

We continued the safari drive, seeing the Camels, Ostriches and Rhinos, after which we parked the car and went to visit the walk around animal area. Here we could get close to the Elephants, Giraffe, Meerkats and Otters.

We managed to catch the Sealion display in the outdoor exhibition pool which was great and just about fitted in a quick visit to the bug house.

All too soon it was time to return to the car and begin the journey home. Everyone agreed it had been a thoroughly enjoyable day out.

Also to be seen here are numerous varieties of monkey and apes, also birds of prey with flying demonstrations. The amusement park boasts an exciting range of family rides including a minature railway, pirate ship and rollercaoster. There are spacious picnic areas or you can make use of the fast food restaurant. I would recommend a visit to the Knowsley Safari Park to anyone with a fondness for animals or simply looking for something different. It is great for families, children love it.

Short Jokes | One Liners

2009-06-13T09:14:00.006+01:00

Here is a collection of my favourite short jokes and one liners. These portray my simple style and type of humour. Corny and clean.

Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

Thieves have broken into our local butchers and stolen half a cow.
The police think it was a beef burglar.

I was told that losing a husband can be hard.
I keep trying to loose mine but he won't go !!

I was always told that hard work never killed anyone,
but why take the risk !!

Marty Pello has teamed up with some German animal doctors. They have formed a new band called "Vet Vet Vet"

When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.

What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)

My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"

Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.

2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"

Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.

Latest News

2009-06-12T20:55:00.004+01:00

I have just heard a report that our local police station was broken into last night and vandalised. Desks were overturned, graffiti scrawled on the walls and all the toilets were smashed.

A spokesman said that the police have nothing to go on.

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The Start

2009-06-12T20:41:00.000+01:00

Well I guess this is the beginning of my Blogging escapade. My journey into the unknown. My own journey into the depths of despair, into the abyss. But no, let's not get carried away it cannot be that difficult, can it?

I am not setting out to write a masterpiece. No, this is just a way of communicating with people, yet another of my endeavours to embrace the world of social networking. Who would have thought I would be talking away to people, sharing my thoughts with total strangers on this world wide web thingy? definately not I. It just goes to show that in this life, anything is possible.

And look ----- I have done it.

I have written my first blog.