Speeding ticket and the wife!

 Here is today's joke, I don't know where it originates from, it was doing the rounds by  email.


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'


The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'








'Only when he's been drinking.'

Viagra

I have heard recently that Viagra is now available in powder form for use in your tea.

It does'nt improve your sexual performance,

but it does stop your biscuit from going soft!



Send in the Hobnobs !!!

Anyone for Golf

 Here is a little story I was sent in an email. I personally do not play golf, but perhaps this is why so many men walk endlessly around a golf course seeking something they never seem to find.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


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Benefits Agency | England Land of Hope and Glory

Not sure where this originated, I wonder which party will adopt it for their manifesto.

Dancing

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Get rid of Twitterers that I follow | Twitter

Some time back I starting using one of those auto-following services offered by SocialOomph because like many new Twitterers, I thought anyone who followed me was worth following back. Wrong, as I and maybe you yourself discovered your tweet stream fills with marketers and dubious "experts" promoting themselves, their products, and their services. Not to mention all the p**n stars. The inescapable down side of Twitter.

The most undesirable aspect of this I feel is that you are actually following these people. This of course will be a reflection on your own integrity because by following them you advertise to the world that you approve of them.

I have decided therefore that I will no longer use any of these services. Hence forth I will only follow those who I make a decision to follow because I want to. People who I find interesting, who are willing to take part in a discussion rather than a one way diatribe.

I will now also start to go through the stream of people who I currently follow and ditch those that I do not want to be associated with. Conducting a quick search using Google  showed me that there is a whole raft of services and programmes that you can subscribe to or purchase to clean up your followers for you. Am I going to use one, am I now going to tell you the one I have found that you simply can not do without? Absolutely not. I am going to do it the long way, the manual way, the way that will involve more time but hopefully at the end of the process will produce a list of people that I want to follow, that will have been my decision and will not have involved me passing on my password to anyone.