Today's Joke | Any One For Golf

 Here is another little gem that was sent to me by email - Today's joke, Anyone For Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Irish Coffee | Today's joke

Here is another of the email jokes that frequently land in my mail box - Irish Coffee. (origin unknown)


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

' What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Olympic Condoms

Today's joke is another joke email i received a while back, thought I'd give it an airing.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really,…. why don't you wear Silver?



It would be nice if you came second for a change."

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Speeding ticket and the wife!

 Here is today's joke, I don't know where it originates from, it was doing the rounds by  email.


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'


The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'








'Only when he's been drinking.'

Today's Jokes | One Liners

Well folks I thought it about time we had another selection of short gags, so here are Today's Jokes and One Liners.

My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.

If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.

Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.

I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

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Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.

Today's Joke | Another Blonde Joke

A blonde was shopping at Tesco and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the checkout to ask what it was.

The checkout assistant said, "Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing, I'm going to buy It!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk,
"What's that?" he asked,
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied.
Her boss then inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied.'Two ice lollies and some coffee.'
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Today's Joke | Duck Bread

Many thanks to Timm bone for Today's joke.

Duck waddled into a bar, asked barman "Have you got any bread?"
"We don't do bread" the barman replied.
Next day, in waddles duck again, "Have you got any bread?"
"I told you we don't do bread" said barman, "and if you ask me again I will nail your beak to the bar!"
Next day, Duck waddles in, "Have you got any nails?"
"WE DON'T DO NAILS" barman shouted.
"Have you got any bread then?"
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