Today's Jokes | One Liners

Well folks I thought it about time we had another selection of short gags, so here are Today's Jokes and One Liners.

My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.

If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.

Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.

I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

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Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.

I Belong to Glasgow

Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"