Remember the late great Tommy Cooper, I have come across a selection of his famous jokes or one liners. Still funny after all these years.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn't find any.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, when I woke up the pillow was gone.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night, woke up this morning in the fireplace.
I Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are.
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Monday, 31 May 2010
More One Liners | Jokes
I've been looking at some Corduroy pillows apparently they are making headlines!
Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?
My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!
I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!
Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?
My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!
I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!
Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Speeding ticket and the wife!
Here is today's joke, I don't know where it originates from, it was doing the rounds by email.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Today's Jokes | One Liners
Well folks I thought it about time we had another selection of short gags, so here are Today's Jokes and One Liners.
My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.
If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.
Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.
I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.
My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.
If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.
Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.
I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
*********************
Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Lovers Lane
Thanks to Bill in OZ for sending me this one.
A policeman was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ."Uh, yes, officer?"
The policeman says: "What are you doing? "
The young man says,: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman says:,
"And what is she doing?"
"The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a jumper."
Now, the policeman is totally confused. A young couple, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening!
The officer asks:, "How old are you, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
"And her .... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes."
..
A policeman was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window ."Uh, yes, officer?"
The policeman says: "What are you doing? "
The young man says,: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the policeman says:,
"And what is she doing?"
"The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a jumper."
Now, the policeman is totally confused. A young couple, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening!
The officer asks:, "How old are you, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
"And her .... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes."
..
Friday, 7 August 2009
Jokes latest
The man who ran over my cat said he'd like to replace it. "I hope you're good at catching mice" I replied.
I visited a lighthouse the other day and was told to sit in the corner.
I went to the doctors because I had insomnia. He told me to lie on the edge of the bed then I'd soon drop off.
Are baked be-ings a Lions favourite food?
The Daddy Lion told his cubs to wait until they saw the Zebra crossing.
What's striped, dangerous and lives in the jungle? A tiger on a pogo stick.
My cat ate a ball of wool. Soon after she had mittens.
I think my cat's been eating ducklings again. She's got that down in the mouth look.
..
I visited a lighthouse the other day and was told to sit in the corner.
I went to the doctors because I had insomnia. He told me to lie on the edge of the bed then I'd soon drop off.
Are baked be-ings a Lions favourite food?
The Daddy Lion told his cubs to wait until they saw the Zebra crossing.
What's striped, dangerous and lives in the jungle? A tiger on a pogo stick.
My cat ate a ball of wool. Soon after she had mittens.
I think my cat's been eating ducklings again. She's got that down in the mouth look.
..
Short jokes | One Liners
Here are a few of my favourite Short jokes and One Liners. A selection demonstrating my simple inoffensive sense of humour. Hope you enjoy.
You can find them here >> Short jokes and One Liners
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You can find them here >> Short jokes and One Liners
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Tuesday, 14 July 2009
More jokes
Are baked be-ings a Lions favourite food?
The Daddy Lion told his cubs to wait until they saw the Zebra crossing.
What's striped, dangerous and lives in the jungle? A tiger on a pogo stick.
My cat ate a ball of wool. Soon after she had mittens.
I think my cat's been eating ducklings again. She's got that down in the mouth look.
..
The Daddy Lion told his cubs to wait until they saw the Zebra crossing.
What's striped, dangerous and lives in the jungle? A tiger on a pogo stick.
My cat ate a ball of wool. Soon after she had mittens.
I think my cat's been eating ducklings again. She's got that down in the mouth look.
..
Monday, 13 July 2009
My Latest Twitter Jokes
When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.
What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)
My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"
Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.
2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"
Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.
..
What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)
My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"
Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.
2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"
Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.
..
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Short Jokes | One Liners
Here is a collection of my favourite short jokes and one liners. These portray my simple style and type of humour. Corny and clean.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Thieves have broken into our local butchers and stolen half a cow.
The police think it was a beef burglar.
I was told that losing a husband can be hard.
I keep trying to loose mine but he won't go !!
I was always told that hard work never killed anyone,
but why take the risk !!
Marty Pello has teamed up with some German animal doctors. They have formed a new band called "Vet Vet Vet"
When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.
What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)
My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"
Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.
2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"
Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Thieves have broken into our local butchers and stolen half a cow.
The police think it was a beef burglar.
I was told that losing a husband can be hard.
I keep trying to loose mine but he won't go !!
I was always told that hard work never killed anyone,
but why take the risk !!
Marty Pello has teamed up with some German animal doctors. They have formed a new band called "Vet Vet Vet"
When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.
What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)
My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"
Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.
2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"
Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.
..
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