Todays Joke | The Old Sailor

Here is another one of unkown origin, sent to me via email, todays joke.

The Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.


He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.


He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'


The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'


'Three knots ? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'


She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."

*****

Todays joke | Preventing a suicide

Hi folks, it's been a while I know, but here is todays joke:


Preventing a suicide


A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off Sydney Harbour bridge - so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Farting Excercise

American Idol Fart

Super Granny gives lesson on how to respect your elders

Tommy Cooper Jokes | One liners

Remember the late great Tommy Cooper, I have come across a selection of his famous jokes or one liners. Still funny after all these years.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn't find any.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, when I woke up the pillow was gone.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night, woke up this morning in the fireplace.

I Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are.

Today's Joke | Any One For Golf

 Here is another little gem that was sent to me by email - Today's joke, Anyone For Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'