Todays Joke | The Old Sailor

Here is another one of unkown origin, sent to me via email, todays joke.

The Old Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.


He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.


He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'


The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'


'Three knots ? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'


She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back."

*****

Todays joke | Preventing a suicide

Hi folks, it's been a while I know, but here is todays joke:


Preventing a suicide


A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off Sydney Harbour bridge - so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you'll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?"

"Because my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Tommy Cooper Jokes | One liners

Remember the late great Tommy Cooper, I have come across a selection of his famous jokes or one liners. Still funny after all these years.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn't find any.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, when I woke up the pillow was gone.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night, woke up this morning in the fireplace.

I Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are.

Today's Joke | Any One For Golf

 Here is another little gem that was sent to me by email - Today's joke, Anyone For Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

More One Liners | Jokes

I've been looking at some Corduroy pillows apparently they are making headlines!

Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?

My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!

I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!

Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

Irish Coffee | Today's joke

Here is another of the email jokes that frequently land in my mail box - Irish Coffee. (origin unknown)


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

' What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

Olympic Condoms

Today's joke is another joke email i received a while back, thought I'd give it an airing.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really,…. why don't you wear Silver?



It would be nice if you came second for a change."

***************

Today's Jokes | One Liners

Well folks I thought it about time we had another selection of short gags, so here are Today's Jokes and One Liners.

My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.

If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.

Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.

I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

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Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.

The Village Hardware shop

Tony was re-hanging a door after decorating when he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Alice to get one from the local village hardware shop.

While waiting for Roy the manager of the shop to finish serving a customer, Alice saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf.

"How much for the teapot?" she asked Roy when he had finished serving,

"That's a very rare, old Doulton Teapot, and it is priced at £250"

"Oh dear. that is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed, then proceeded to describe the hinge that Tony had sent her to buy. Roy went into the back to find a hinge that would be suitable.

From the back room Roy shouted, "Alice, do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Alice replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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