Remember the late great Tommy Cooper, I have come across a selection of his famous jokes or one liners. Still funny after all these years.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn't find any.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, when I woke up the pillow was gone.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night, woke up this morning in the fireplace.
I Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are.
Showing posts with label one liners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one liners. Show all posts
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Monday, 31 May 2010
More One Liners | Jokes
I've been looking at some Corduroy pillows apparently they are making headlines!
Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?
My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!
I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!
Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?
My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!
I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!
Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Today's Jokes | One Liners
Well folks I thought it about time we had another selection of short gags, so here are Today's Jokes and One Liners.
My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.
If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.
Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.
I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.
My boss said to me “If you are able to learn from your mistakes, you must have learned a lot today.”
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Have you been out to the post Christmas sales looking for bargains, or have you been looking for things you don't need at a price you just can't resist.
If a thing is worth doing, it has already been done.
Did you get that feeling over Christmas that sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I told my friend I wanted to make a comeback. “How can you make a comeback when you have not been anywhere” she replied.
I told my boss I always need more than one go to get things right. He suggested I take up sky diving.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
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Hope you liked that selection of Today's Jokes and One Liners.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Short jokes | One Liners
Here are a few of my favourite Short jokes and One Liners. A selection demonstrating my simple inoffensive sense of humour. Hope you enjoy.
You can find them here >> Short jokes and One Liners
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You can find them here >> Short jokes and One Liners
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Saturday, 13 June 2009
Short Jokes | One Liners
Here is a collection of my favourite short jokes and one liners. These portray my simple style and type of humour. Corny and clean.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Thieves have broken into our local butchers and stolen half a cow.
The police think it was a beef burglar.
I was told that losing a husband can be hard.
I keep trying to loose mine but he won't go !!
I was always told that hard work never killed anyone,
but why take the risk !!
Marty Pello has teamed up with some German animal doctors. They have formed a new band called "Vet Vet Vet"
When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.
What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)
My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"
Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.
2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"
Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.
Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
Thieves have broken into our local butchers and stolen half a cow.
The police think it was a beef burglar.
I was told that losing a husband can be hard.
I keep trying to loose mine but he won't go !!
I was always told that hard work never killed anyone,
but why take the risk !!
Marty Pello has teamed up with some German animal doctors. They have formed a new band called "Vet Vet Vet"
When I met my husband I didn't have a penny to my name. Now I've got another name.
What's worse than raining buckets? - Hailing taxis! (ouch)
My friend in Oz asked if we had a nice summer last year. "yes" I replied, "we had a nice picnic that afternoon"
Eat prunes, they certainly give you a good run for your money.
2 ducks on a pond, 1 duck says "quack", the other duck says "Ohhh.. I was going to say that"
Where do you find a one legged dog? - Where you left it.
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