Remember the late great Tommy Cooper, I have come across a selection of his famous jokes or one liners. Still funny after all these years.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, I couldn't find any.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, when I woke up the pillow was gone.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Slept like a log last night, woke up this morning in the fireplace.
I Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are.
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Today's Joke | Any One For Golf
Here is another little gem that was sent to me by email - Today's joke, Anyone For Golf
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
Monday, 31 May 2010
More One Liners | Jokes
I've been looking at some Corduroy pillows apparently they are making headlines!
Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?
My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!
I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!
Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Did you know that 41.5 percent of all statistics are just made up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Have you ever stopped to think then forgot to start again?
My husband said I never admit my age, I told him he never acts his!
I'm not a complete idiot, I've got a leg missing!
Latest quote from the new government: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm planning to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Monday, 26 April 2010
Irish Coffee | Today's joke
Here is another of the email jokes that frequently land in my mail box - Irish Coffee. (origin unknown)
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
' What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
' What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Hearing Aids | Be careful what you say
My elderly neighbour has had a very profound hearing problem for as long as I've known him.
He then proceeded to show me the new hearing aids he was wearing and how inconspicuous they were, they were indeed difficult to see at all.
"My hearing is now perfect" he said.
"That is marvelous" I replied "I am so pleased for you."
"Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again too."
My neighbour now chortled to himself as he said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
The other day he was telling me about how he had plucked up the courage to ask the doctor if there was anything that could be done to help him with this debilitating hearing problem. The doctor was able to advise him that modern digital hearing aids were very efficient and discreet, maybe a little expensive but well worth considering. The doctor referred my neighbour to a hearing specialist confident that a solution to his hearing deficiency would be found.
He then proceeded to show me the new hearing aids he was wearing and how inconspicuous they were, they were indeed difficult to see at all.
"My hearing is now perfect" he said.
"That is marvelous" I replied "I am so pleased for you."
"Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again too."
My neighbour now chortled to himself as he said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Friday, 23 April 2010
Olympic Condoms
Today's joke is another joke email i received a while back, thought I'd give it an airing.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.
"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really,…. why don't you wear Silver?
It would be nice if you came second for a change."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.
"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really,…. why don't you wear Silver?
It would be nice if you came second for a change."
***************
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Speeding ticket and the wife!
Here is today's joke, I don't know where it originates from, it was doing the rounds by email.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detectorwent off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'
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